MY Miracle Baby

Lane Benjamin
 Born August 31, 2012

I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found out I was expecting my 4th baby.  I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it.  I had a baby, Miles, he was just one and Lucy was 2 I couldn't be pregnant again!  But I was.  I had a tumor in my foot, cancer.  I was going to go through the most difficult journey but I wasn't  going to do it alone, I was going to be taking my unborn baby with me.

A baby is a miracle.  They are heaven sent and beautiful they bring insurmountable joy, but pregnancy I would say for most is, well hard.  You are constantly gaining weight, sometimes your sick, like vomitting, nauseous, headache, backache, can't sleep, always peeing, uncomfortable sick.  But pregnancy is beautiful too;!

Well my pregnancy was kind of horrendous in all honesty. But I had such a strong desire and fight to take care of this little baby inside me.  Having 2 surgery's while pregnant with Lane, one of which was my amputation was like something I can't even begin to explain.  I was fighting cancer fighting to keep my baby healthy and loosing my leg.  I was a wreck.  But I did it and I had a love so strong for this baby boy that it hurt.

August 31, 2012
Induction day.  This little baby boy hadn't been growing very well and was under a lot of stress so Dr. Browne and I decided we were ready to meet him.  I got to the hospital early that morning.  I was so nervous.  I had been through so much pain and stress I felt I couldn't do any more.  I was scared for the labor and nervous about this baby's health.

The induction went smoothly and quickly.  I was surrounded by Dallas, my mom, my sister Kaylee, and a wonderful nurse and Dr. Browne.  I was calm and Lane came into this world beautifully.  I watched as I delivered this tiny boy and as he came I was overcome with relief as I saw his tiny face and body and felt his warmth against my skin.  I was his mom and we had got through so much together and I just loved him.  He was perfect.

And Kaylee captured it:
Lane Benjamin Smith
5 lbs 15oz

My "NEW" Leg

On July 13, 2012  I went in to see my prosthetist and got my first prosthetic leg.  I went with my mom.  I was really pregnant and didn't know what to expect.  I sat in the room and waited and then he brought it in.  It looked so unreal.  It was plastic and metal with my shoe on the foot.  I couldn't imagine putting my leg in it and being able to stand much less walk.  I had to wear a liner under it which was like a thick silicone sock that went up past my knee.  I stood up and tried to get my leg in the socket.  It was so hard it took a long time to get it in and it hurt.  Finally I was in the leg and just was standing up.  It felt really weird.  I was standing but couldn't feel any weight on my foot.  I then took some steps with the parallel bars.   It was akward at first and felt so stiff.  I just kept walking and when I left I was able to walk with my crutches a bit.

I didn't wear the leg too much just here and there trying to get used to it.  It was so heavy.   When my kids and my nieces and nephew got home they all wanted to see me use the leg and they all wanted to "try" it on.  It was and still is a novelty to them.

 Miles wasn't too sure about my new leg

Going Home

Dallas took me in the wheelchair down to the truck.  I waited in the wheelchair while he went to get the truck.  I sat there thinking how differnent everything was now.  Just 8 days ago I had two legs and had walked into the hospital now I was leaving unable to walk the thought was overwhelming.  It was difficult to get into the truck Dallas had to help me.  Needing so much help made me feel so vulnerable.  I couldn't do simple things on my own.

I got home after a long drive with lots pain.  I took some pills for pain and then laid on the couch.  I was so tired I hadn't slept and hadn't been eating since being in the hospital.  Soon after I got home my mom brought the kids home and Kaylee came with her kids.  It was so good to see all the kids together just being themselves.  They all wanted to see my new leg except for my oldest son, Ty.  He said he didn't want to see.  It made me sad that he was uncomfortable with my leg but Dallas said he'd get used to it.

Being at home was hard.  There wasn't a nurse to bring me something extra when the pain was intolerable.  I couldn't just hop in the bath tub or have a shower.  I had to be careful when I was using my crutches so I didn't fall and open my incision.  I couldn't pick Miles up when he was crying unless he came to me and sat on my lap.  I just was overwhelmed with how hard everything was now.

I tried to get out of the house a bit but had to go in a wheelchair.  Getting used to this change was so hard.  Somedays I could hardly stand it.  I would see friends with their children just going about doing everything I had done before.  Fixing meals for them, carrying them, helping them with the bathroom, going swimming, putting them in and out of carseats.  Just simple things that I couldn't do and I would get upset and emotional.

I was in constant unbearable pain at home.  I laid rubbing my leg using heating pads anything but nothing relieved the pain.  The pain was not in my actual leg but in my missing foot.  I was having phantom pain. I went into the hospital emergency once or twice for pain and a couple weeks after leaving the hospital I couldn't stand the pain any longer. I was always hurting couldn't sleep or eat and was nauseous and throwing up.  I went back into the hospital for a few days and I started on different narcotics that numbed the pain somewhat.

I was having such a hard time and felt like I just wasn't getting better.  I hated having constant debilitating pain and wanted to just feel back to "normal".  Which still hasn't happened.  I moved forward as best I could but was needing lots of help.  Thank heavens I had my mom.  She took care of my kids, fed us, cleaned up did the laundry.  We wouldn't have been able to get through it without all the help.

Hospital Post Amputation

Because I did not have a general anaesthetic for the surgery I was in recovery and immediately awake and aware of the pain.  My first thought was I know my leg is gone and I don't have my foot, but my missing foot was hurting so very bad.  The pain was so unbearable and excruciating I just wanted to be put to sleep or pass out so I didn't have to feel it.  I was so anxious and unable to control my breathing and my emotions.  I was crying and asking for my nurse to get the pain to stop. I couldn't seem to get enough air as I started to hyperventilate.  I remember telling my nurse my foot was so so cold and begging her to put a warm blanket on it even though I knew the foot was gone I thought the blanket would help and it did.  I prayed and prayed for the pain to be controlled and finally the epidural started to work.  I was still in horrible pain, but I was able to bear it.  My leg was gone and all I could  think was that I would never have a leg again.  I was heartbroken.

After being in recovery for a couple hours I was finally taken to my hospital room.  As soon as I was in my room my Mom and Dallas were there.  I was so happy they were there even though I didn't want to open my eyes and see my leg.

Throughout my hospital stay I was anxious about my pregnancy.  There were times I couldn't feel him  move and I would be so scared he was not going to be okay and that they wouldn't hear his heartbeat.  I was trying to heal and grow a little baby.  I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I wanted my little baby to be okay I loved him and was sad he had to go through this with me.  He had a difficult journey here. I love this baby so much.

 I had the epidural in for 3 days and then they stopped it and tried to control my pain with oral medication.  As soon as the epidural started to wear off I was in agony.  I was in an extreme amount of pain and they decided to start the epidural again.  After 2 more days they stopped the epidural and I used a pain pump.  It seemed to work okay and I used it for a few days until I was finally only on oral medication.

On day 3 or 4 Dr. Puloski removed my cast and bandages.  I told him I still was not ready to look at my leg.  He asked me if I was sure and I assured him I didn't feel ready.  He removed the bandage and said it looked good and then it was wrapped again.  The next day when my nurse came in to clean my incision and wrap it I looked.  I was overwhelming to look down and see a new leg.  One that was missing a foot and an ankle.  It was my leg but it looked so foreign. I let the tears fall slowly down my cheeks.

I had lots of visitors in the 8 days I was in the hospital.  My mom stayed with me the first night and both her and Dallas stayed in Calgary with me for the first 3 days and then my dad came to visit and my mom went home with him to watch my children and bring them to visit. My brother and sister came as well as aunts, uncles, cousin and friends.  I kept my amputated leg covered by a blanket I was not ready for people to see my leg.

I was so happy when my children came.  As soon as they walked in the room they came to hug me and Miles just laid his little head on my chest and I held him for a half hour without him moving.  My heart was full.  I was sad I would not be able to carry this little boy for a long time.

It was so hard being in the hospital and not being able to take care of myself being in pain everyday.  I was so glad my mom was there to help me wash my hair, shower and get me out of the bed.  I remember how hard it was to get to the bathroom at first.  I used a walker and the few steps to the bathroom were unbearable.  I remember looking down and seeing a leg that did not touch the ground.  I  was sad.

I hate the hospital I can't sleep in them I was always getting poked and I was so emotional.

I was so ready to go home by 8 days but as I left the hospital I was so sad that I was leaving in a wheelchair.  I was leaving changed.  And I had so much pain.  My amputation was done now I had to learn to live differently.

Amputation Morning

May 22, 2012 .....   Such a difficult day.  Actually the hardest day of my entire life up to this point.  Hard for me to put into words the emotions I felt the morning of my surgery.

Sunday night my sister and mom came over to my house.  Kaylee was going to paint my toe nails on my two feet for the last time.  I was sad.  We watched TV and she painted my toes orange.  I watched as she painted and thought how I would never have both sets of toe nails painted together again.  I hurt inside because of such a simple thing.  I didn't really say much that night.

Monday evening I went over to my mom and dad's so Kaylee could take some pictures of me with both me legs before I left that night for my amputation the next morning.  I wanted pictures to remember but had been putting it off because I was dreading my surgery.  I remember taking off my shoes in the field and feeling the stiff grass on my feet.  Something I now don't feel as I have to walk with two shoes on in order for my prosthetic to be stable.  I had a knot in my throat as I smiled in the pictures.  I didn't want my leg to be gone.

Just before Dallas and I left for Calgary Monday night my Dad gave me a blessing.  I could feel the power with which he spoke and the the tenderness of his love.  I was so sad knowing how scared and hurt my family was.  I had nothing to say.  I couldn't think of anything that would ease the sadness we all felt.  I walked out of the house after saying goodbye to the kids and hugging them.  I knew that somehow I would be there mom when I came home.  But I would be changed; different both physically, emotionally and mentally.  I got in the vehicle and tears streamed down my cheeks as we drove away.  I would come home unable to stand up on my feet.  I was so scared.  So sad.  Just heartbroken really.

We got to Calgary around 10pm and I headed up to labor and delivery for my steroid injection.  I had to worry about my unborn baby and coming out of a surgery without my leg.  My nurse told me how sorry she was but didn't say much more.

Then we headed to the hotel.  We got in bed and I remember rubbing my two feet in the sheets trying to remember all the feeling of having two feet.  We set three alarms.  I had to check in at the Foothills hospital at 5:30 am Tuesday May 22.

The alarm went off. I quietly went into the bathroom and ran the water in the bathtub.  I sat in the tub staring at my two feet.  I wanted to remember what my left foot looked like.  It had a scar on the top that I had got in high school when Dallas hadn't held the boat still when I was getting in and it cut me.  I didn't want to forget what it looked like.  I cried as I looked at my feet and rubbed lotion on them and I sat in the bathroom looking down at my feet until Dallas called from the room and asked if I was coming out.

I got to the hospital and waited to be checked in.  Then I went upstairs and was quickly taken to a
pre-op area with Dallas.  They had me change into a gown and gave me slippers to wear.  I asked them if I could keep the slippers off so I could see my feet.  They said sure.  I didn't want to talk to the nurse I was trying to keep my emotions in check and talking made that hard. I sat on the stretcher and stared at my feet.  I was then taken to the surgical waiting room.  They said I would have to go there alone but my nurse that had done my pre-op information told them I would be needing my husband with me and she insisted he be allowed to stay with me.  I will forever be thankful for her sensitive care towards me.

Dallas and I sat be side each other and Dr. Puloski came and sat beside me.  I don't remember much of what he said.  I remember holding Dallas' hand and seeing tears in my surgeons eyes as he said how sorry he was but that he knew he was giving me the highest care he felt was needed for my case.

He left and then my surgical nurse came and explained a few more things with tears in her eyes and then the anaesthesiologist came and talked to me too.  Then my nurse came back to take me to surgery.  I stood and looked at Dallas and saw the tears spilling onto his cheeks and I hurt so much. My nurse told him they would take very good care of me.  He said please be okay when you come back to me.  I hoped I would.

He walked one way and I walked the other way.  I don't know who was with me that morning, but I could feel someone helping me walk down that hallway.  And I felt as though I was almost carried into the surgical suite and got up on the surgical table.  The nurse then covered my legs with a white sheet and I began to cry and asked if she could lift the sheet up so I could look at me two feet together for the last time.  She did and cried with me and then I laid down and my surgery started.

I prayed ALOT that morning.  I prayed for strength to help me walk into my surgery.  I prayed for help with the pain control.  I prayed for Dallas and my family.  I prayed I would be okay.  And I know so, so many others were praying for me that morning too.  And I believe that is why I was able to go into my amputation so easily.  The faith of so many people carried me that day when I could not have done it on my own.

My Family

The weekend before my surgery was the long weekend in May.  Dallas and I decided to take the kids to Kalispell for a couple days and then come home Sunday.  My surgery was scheduled for Tuesday and I wanted a day to just be home and get prepared for my surgery day.

The weekend passed so quickly.  I had a hard time concentrating on anything but how having no leg would affect everything I was doing.  I thought about how I wouldn't be able to shop with my kids, go swimming, carry Miles, do my laundry, go on a bike ride, etc.

We drove home Sunday late afternoon and the kids slept and the drive was quiet.  Just as we were driving into town my dad called Dallas and told him to come to my Aunt Robyn's.  We pulled up and all our family was there.  Dallas took the kids in and told me to wait in the car until he called me.  I knew something was up!

I walked into the entry and standing all together wearing matching T-shirts that said
"Fight Like a GIRL" was my family.  My  Mom and Dad, brother (his wife) and sister(her husband), Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins and my nieces and nephews; as well as my husband and children.

I was overwhelmed with emotion as I took in the family in front of me.  They were all standing together showing me how much they loved me and I loved them.  I was so thankful for my amazing family.  Our extended family has always been  so close and I was so grateful they were there to support and love me.  I knew they truly wanted me to get better.  And I wanted to.   I really wanted to show them I could try my best with this challenging trial.  I knew they all carried a heavy but hopeful heart knowing the seriousness of my cancer and the rehabilitation after my amputation.

I knew that this family would help me get through everything that would be coming my way.

Choosing Amputation

Although amputation was really the only choice I struggled to commit to such a life altering decision.  I started to get sad.  Really, really sad.  I wanted to stay home and didn't want anyone to come see me.  I cried and read and read and read about amputation.  I looked at pictures, I talked to another girl similar in age to me about her amputation for cancer as well.  But the more I read the sadder I became.  I didn't want anyone in my family to talk to me about it.  I wanted everything to stop.

I was hardly keeping above water in my house.  My mom came one day and took all my laundry home and did it.  Dallas cleaned the house.  And I can hardly remember taking care of my own children.  I just didn't want to do this.

I knew that I would consent to the amputation before I had left the cancer centre that day but I didn't want to.  Finally I went back to Calgary and talked to an anaesthetist about the surgery and pregnancy and then was seen by the perinatologists in Calgary.  They explained I would again not be given a general anesthetic and that I was at risk of preterm labor.  I then signed the consent form.

Dr. Puloski's receptionist called with my surgery date.  May 22, 2012.  I cried.  It was real I was having part of my leg removed.  I would never be the same.  I hurt inside.  No one could make me feel better.  I was dreading that day that came so fast.

The week before my upcoming surgery I went swimming a couple times with the kids.  Something I knew I wouldn't be able to do for a long time afterwards, and something we did often and enjoyed.  I remember carrying Miles as often as I could knowing after the surgery I wouldn't be able to.  I held my kids more on the couch during the day and just hurt inside for all the things that were going to change.

I really prayed the weeks before my surgery.  I prayed harder than I ever had in my life.  Somedays I was okay and some days I was a wreck.  But whenever I was around anyone, family, or friends I just kept my emotions under control.  For some reason I just didn't want to share with anyone how deeply scared and sad I was.

I thought of so many things that would change.  I thought of how I would look different how forever more people would look at me would talk about me and how I thought I would be less pretty.  I thought my husband wouldn't feel the same about me.  I thought of how I wouldn't walk for a long time.  And mostly I thought of all the physical pain I would go through.

No matter how much I thought of all these things.  What I thought turned out to be even harder than I ever could have imagined.

I chose the amputation because of these.............

I REALLY love these kids!!!