Choosing Amputation

Although amputation was really the only choice I struggled to commit to such a life altering decision.  I started to get sad.  Really, really sad.  I wanted to stay home and didn't want anyone to come see me.  I cried and read and read and read about amputation.  I looked at pictures, I talked to another girl similar in age to me about her amputation for cancer as well.  But the more I read the sadder I became.  I didn't want anyone in my family to talk to me about it.  I wanted everything to stop.

I was hardly keeping above water in my house.  My mom came one day and took all my laundry home and did it.  Dallas cleaned the house.  And I can hardly remember taking care of my own children.  I just didn't want to do this.

I knew that I would consent to the amputation before I had left the cancer centre that day but I didn't want to.  Finally I went back to Calgary and talked to an anaesthetist about the surgery and pregnancy and then was seen by the perinatologists in Calgary.  They explained I would again not be given a general anesthetic and that I was at risk of preterm labor.  I then signed the consent form.

Dr. Puloski's receptionist called with my surgery date.  May 22, 2012.  I cried.  It was real I was having part of my leg removed.  I would never be the same.  I hurt inside.  No one could make me feel better.  I was dreading that day that came so fast.

The week before my upcoming surgery I went swimming a couple times with the kids.  Something I knew I wouldn't be able to do for a long time afterwards, and something we did often and enjoyed.  I remember carrying Miles as often as I could knowing after the surgery I wouldn't be able to.  I held my kids more on the couch during the day and just hurt inside for all the things that were going to change.

I really prayed the weeks before my surgery.  I prayed harder than I ever had in my life.  Somedays I was okay and some days I was a wreck.  But whenever I was around anyone, family, or friends I just kept my emotions under control.  For some reason I just didn't want to share with anyone how deeply scared and sad I was.

I thought of so many things that would change.  I thought of how I would look different how forever more people would look at me would talk about me and how I thought I would be less pretty.  I thought my husband wouldn't feel the same about me.  I thought of how I wouldn't walk for a long time.  And mostly I thought of all the physical pain I would go through.

No matter how much I thought of all these things.  What I thought turned out to be even harder than I ever could have imagined.

I chose the amputation because of these.............

I REALLY love these kids!!!