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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Choosing Amputation

Although amputation was really the only choice I struggled to commit to such a life altering decision.  I started to get sad.  Really, really sad.  I wanted to stay home and didn't want anyone to come see me.  I cried and read and read and read about amputation.  I looked at pictures, I talked to another girl similar in age to me about her amputation for cancer as well.  But the more I read the sadder I became.  I didn't want anyone in my family to talk to me about it.  I wanted everything to stop.

I was hardly keeping above water in my house.  My mom came one day and took all my laundry home and did it.  Dallas cleaned the house.  And I can hardly remember taking care of my own children.  I just didn't want to do this.

I knew that I would consent to the amputation before I had left the cancer centre that day but I didn't want to.  Finally I went back to Calgary and talked to an anaesthetist about the surgery and pregnancy and then was seen by the perinatologists in Calgary.  They explained I would again not be given a general anesthetic and that I was at risk of preterm labor.  I then signed the consent form.

Dr. Puloski's receptionist called with my surgery date.  May 22, 2012.  I cried.  It was real I was having part of my leg removed.  I would never be the same.  I hurt inside.  No one could make me feel better.  I was dreading that day that came so fast.

The week before my upcoming surgery I went swimming a couple times with the kids.  Something I knew I wouldn't be able to do for a long time afterwards, and something we did often and enjoyed.  I remember carrying Miles as often as I could knowing after the surgery I wouldn't be able to.  I held my kids more on the couch during the day and just hurt inside for all the things that were going to change.

I really prayed the weeks before my surgery.  I prayed harder than I ever had in my life.  Somedays I was okay and some days I was a wreck.  But whenever I was around anyone, family, or friends I just kept my emotions under control.  For some reason I just didn't want to share with anyone how deeply scared and sad I was.

I thought of so many things that would change.  I thought of how I would look different how forever more people would look at me would talk about me and how I thought I would be less pretty.  I thought my husband wouldn't feel the same about me.  I thought of how I wouldn't walk for a long time.  And mostly I thought of all the physical pain I would go through.

No matter how much I thought of all these things.  What I thought turned out to be even harder than I ever could have imagined.

I chose the amputation because of these.............

I REALLY love these kids!!!


  1. HI... I am Dustin Gibbs cousin and I spoke with him today because I have to have my foot amputated as well. I just found out a few hours ago and he recommended that I read your blog. I have felt the same way you have. I am only 30, in dental school and have 3 kids. How on earth am I going to live without a foot. But the more and more I think about the alternative( lossing my life) I will gladly give up just one foot. I have prayed more in the last month the my entire life. Mixed emotions have taken over my life. I am living a wave of emotions and its not fun at all. But hey we will SURVIVE and that is what matters most! Thanks for your inspiration. Wyatt Dannels http://dannels.blogspot.com/

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    1. Hey!!! Can you give me your email address again... the email i sent you got sent back to me!

      Thanks Wyatt

  3. I just had to make a similar decision (albeit for a different reason) and am still coming to grips with it. My BKA surgery was Sept. 3, 2013. Family and faith also sustained me. Thank you for sharng your story.

    Best regards,