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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Mommy (Missing a leg) and her 2 year old!

Miles is 2.  This is my third child and I've parented 2 year olds twice before but this is different.  He is one strong, funny, crazy, energetic, sometimes grouchy boy.

Keeping up to a two year old is hard work and now that I'm slowed down with my prosthetic and phantom pain Miles is hard work X 100.  I'll give you an example of today.  Wakes up goes to the kitchen won't eat breakfast just wants apple juice and cookies; after 2 glasses I tell him he has to have water and he then throws his sippy cup across the kitchen. While I nurse the baby he helps himself to 5 packs of fruits snacks while on his sixth I finish nursing and take it away and tell him no more.  He hits me and throws himself to the ground with his blanket and cries.  While I'm in the bathroom he gets in the fridge and tries to drink the half full coke and spills it all over the floor.  I take it away and he hits me and walks through the spilled pop.  Then I wash his sticky body while he kicks and screams.  He gets into the toilet and fills his cup and starts drinking it when I find him.  Later I find him in the fridge again with his tractors lined up inside and he's drinking yogurt from the large container.  He gets his dads deodorant and takes and bite and then decides he doesn't like that and comes and cuddles with me smelling like a man.  While I'm rocking the baby to sleep this afternoon and the older 2 kids are playing Ty asks where Miles is.  After a search of the house comes up empty he is found outside halfway around the block in boots and his diaper.  I also found an overly ripe banana squished into the carpet where he'd been playing with his tractors.  I'll stop here.

Now he' sleeping but that was no easy feat as he climbed out of his crib 10 times before giving up and drifting to sleep.  I take that back I just went to turn off the alarm that is going off in his room and I couldn't open the door so I pushed really hard only to find out Miles had fallen asleep in front of the door.   Oh how I love this 2 year old!!

So this boy is pushing me to my limits but I'm glad he is.  My missing leg is only slowing me down not stopping me from mothering.  Since losing my leg Miles gets lots more horseback rides from me!!

Miles @ 2 years old

loves tractors, trucks, trailers
love horses
eats snacks, snacks and more snacks (not so much meals)
candy is  his favorite food group
loves to wear boots and Lucy's high heels and ballet flats
gets into everything (ex. cupboards, pantry, fridge, bathroom)
attached to his giraffe blanket and striped bunny
defends his sister
loves to bath and pour water all over the floor
words:  mama, dada, gramma, grampa, bye bye, ball
sleeps in his crib, but climbs out when he doesn't want to be there
reads books to himself
takes his diaper off all the time, but hates the potty
Love his mommy
loves his baby bother (give him lots of kisses)
love to go to grandmas house
loves to be outside
loves cuddles

I'm getting better and I owe some of that to my 2 year old!  He forces me to take care of him and for that I am grateful!!!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Phantom Pain

Since May 22, 2012 I have had pain.  At first it was surgical pain.  As soon as I was out of surgery and in the recovery room I was having pain in my foot that had been amputated.  I continued to have pain throughout my hospital stay but was had access to an epidural, pain pump, and various narcotic injections.  I left the hospital on oral narcotics (pills) but over the next couple of weeks 3-4 I was in so much uncontrolled pain I didn't want to live like that.  The pain was only in my missing foot.  I had Phantom pain.

For those people that have not had an amputation phantom pain can never  be adequately described.  For my it was a burning, stabbing, electric shock and cramping pains.  My toes would feel cramped and crossed over one another and I couldn't move them.  As the pain continued I did not sleep I went weeks with no more than an hour of sleep a time.  I was nauseous and throwing up daily.  I wanted the pain to stop I wanted to be like I was before.  I finally went to the hospital where I started getting injections every 4 hours.  They helped, it didn't get rid of the pain but dulled it down where I was able to manage.

I has now been over 7 months since my amputation and I am still in constant pain, now chronic pain.  I hate it to put it simply.  It encompasses my whole life along with the narcotics I am still reliant on.  I am continuing to look into other alternatives to help with the phantom pain.  I know if I can feel better that my life can get back to "normal".

I know am able to understand the many people that have chronic pain.  I understand how depressing, tiring and debilitating it is.  So if I don't seem like myself it's because I'm not.  I truly hope to get better and in my heart I feel like I will but I know it isn't now so in the mean time I hope to just keep going taking my days an hour at a time.

And on Friday I got my 3 rd new leg!  I think I'll like it better!!!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

My Real Feelings

I haven't really wanted to post about my emotions, thoughts and just overall how I've felt since my amputation because I didn't want people to think I was complaining or struggling.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone that thought I was amazing or inspiring or the other things people were kind enough to say.  But I feel like maybe writing about how I feel will let other people know it's okay not to be okay all the time.

Since my amputation there have been a few things that I really struggle with.  One being how hard I feel things are for me now.  I'll give some examples.  I can't wake up in the night and just walk to the bathroom or get a drink or jump out of bed when the kids cry in the night.  I can't simply pick up my laundry baskets and carry them to and from the washer/dryer (this is getting somewhat easier).  Standing in the kitchen to prepare and cook a meal is much harder than it used to be.  I don't just write a grocery list and hop in the car with my kids and run to Costco, Walmart, Safeway etc. and do all my errands.  I can only do about one store when I do go but lots of times I rely on someone else to pick things up for me.  I can't keep up to my children like before.  They can run away from me whenever we go somewhere if their little hearts choose.  My two year old can run out into the street and I just can't run after him.  I can't take my kids swimming right now or jump on the trampoline.  I can't just quickly tidy up my house if someone is going to stop by (everything takes me much longer to accomplish).  I can't run up or down stairs, I usually do stairs my stepping with one foot and then the other onto the same stair.  I can't ride a bike yet or go water skiing.  And I'm sure if I keep thinking the list would go on.  Now this is a lot of CANT'S but I don't want people to pity me or feel bad for me.  I just wanted to say it.

When I think about how I feel sometimes I wish I didn't think the way I do but I'm human and I sometimes can't help it.  I watch all the other young moms around me and wish I could physically do the things they are doing with their children.  I see them doing the things I used to do that I didn't have to think about.  Like running Ty to and from hockey, taking them up to the school for different programs.  Taking them swimming and skating to the dentist or doctor.  I feel sad and overwhelmed a lot.  I also feel so tired and guilty that I'm not being the mom my kids need me to be.  But I don't just have negative feelings I also feel so grateful for all the service that is given to me.

I do have a lot of things that I can do and get to do and things that I appreciate more than I used to and I notice little things that are more special to me now.  Like....  Every time I kiss my two year old's cheeks I kiss a little harder and love the feel of his squishy cheek.  I love to brush Lucy's hair out of her face and touch her tiny nose.  I love to let my 7 year old sit on my lap and rub his back.  I hold my baby ALL the time I guess because I don't spend much time cleaning, picking up, organizing or going anywhere, so I just sit and hold him while I rest.  I love to watch there little faces turn into smiles.

Now there you go.  This is me and this is what dealing with my missing leg is like.

And this is what makes me happy!