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Saturday, January 5, 2013

My Real Feelings

I haven't really wanted to post about my emotions, thoughts and just overall how I've felt since my amputation because I didn't want people to think I was complaining or struggling.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone that thought I was amazing or inspiring or the other things people were kind enough to say.  But I feel like maybe writing about how I feel will let other people know it's okay not to be okay all the time.

Since my amputation there have been a few things that I really struggle with.  One being how hard I feel things are for me now.  I'll give some examples.  I can't wake up in the night and just walk to the bathroom or get a drink or jump out of bed when the kids cry in the night.  I can't simply pick up my laundry baskets and carry them to and from the washer/dryer (this is getting somewhat easier).  Standing in the kitchen to prepare and cook a meal is much harder than it used to be.  I don't just write a grocery list and hop in the car with my kids and run to Costco, Walmart, Safeway etc. and do all my errands.  I can only do about one store when I do go but lots of times I rely on someone else to pick things up for me.  I can't keep up to my children like before.  They can run away from me whenever we go somewhere if their little hearts choose.  My two year old can run out into the street and I just can't run after him.  I can't take my kids swimming right now or jump on the trampoline.  I can't just quickly tidy up my house if someone is going to stop by (everything takes me much longer to accomplish).  I can't run up or down stairs, I usually do stairs my stepping with one foot and then the other onto the same stair.  I can't ride a bike yet or go water skiing.  And I'm sure if I keep thinking the list would go on.  Now this is a lot of CANT'S but I don't want people to pity me or feel bad for me.  I just wanted to say it.

When I think about how I feel sometimes I wish I didn't think the way I do but I'm human and I sometimes can't help it.  I watch all the other young moms around me and wish I could physically do the things they are doing with their children.  I see them doing the things I used to do that I didn't have to think about.  Like running Ty to and from hockey, taking them up to the school for different programs.  Taking them swimming and skating to the dentist or doctor.  I feel sad and overwhelmed a lot.  I also feel so tired and guilty that I'm not being the mom my kids need me to be.  But I don't just have negative feelings I also feel so grateful for all the service that is given to me.

I do have a lot of things that I can do and get to do and things that I appreciate more than I used to and I notice little things that are more special to me now.  Like....  Every time I kiss my two year old's cheeks I kiss a little harder and love the feel of his squishy cheek.  I love to brush Lucy's hair out of her face and touch her tiny nose.  I love to let my 7 year old sit on my lap and rub his back.  I hold my baby ALL the time I guess because I don't spend much time cleaning, picking up, organizing or going anywhere, so I just sit and hold him while I rest.  I love to watch there little faces turn into smiles.

Now there you go.  This is me and this is what dealing with my missing leg is like.

And this is what makes me happy!


  1. You're still amazing because you can list all those can'ts and in the sentence you're already being grateful again. I can't imagine what it's like for you...thinking of you.

  2. I hope you don't get annoyed that I always comment...
    I just so appreciate your honesty in sharing what you are experiencing right now.
    I hope you know that you are the type of mother that I'm trying to become like.
    One who loves her kids, and they know their mother loves them. One who would do anything
    for them. You are grateful for the small and simple things that most of us take for granted every day.
    You are teaching us and I'm grateful for that.
    P.S. You really do have the most beautiful babies - every.single.time.

  3. I agree with you soooo much. My wife does not understand why I still keep my Urinal next to my bed every night. She does not understand how much I hate hopping to the bathroom. What About taking showers??? I can't stand crawling into a tub or shower. LAME. However, I did jump on my trampoline today and it was super fun but very weird. The fact that your raising 4 children and a husband is amazing with two good feet. Something that is not allowed on you "can't" list is that you can't be an inspiration because you are. If your ever in california you'll need to give me a call. We live about 30 minutes from disneyland (pasadena). You should also check out the challenged athletes foundation. They are in San diego and are all about amputees. They give grants for running legs, bikes or a personal trainer, which ever you choose. They are pretty awesome and have a mentoring program. Best of luck and I hope all that phantom pain goes away!

  4. I love that you wrote your feelings because its real and it isn't the direction you imagined your life going in, but life happened and with it all the emotions, feelings and pain. You really are amazing and an inspiration no matter how you look at it! You have made us appreciate what we have more and you've been an example to so many!! You are an amazing mother, friend, sister and person and you are grateful for what you have and can do doesn't make it any less that its harder and frustrating and none of us really understand that! Your realness and honestly makes it even more real that we all hurt in some way some way more than others and its okay to scream:)! ps you won the giveaway on my blog so if I'm out today or tomorrow I'll drop it off if your home:)

  5. ps Who designed your blog? I love it and I really need a face lift for mine:)