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Friday, April 12, 2013

Okay

It's been a long time since I've posted and for the last while I just haven't really wanted to let people know where I'm at or how I really feel.  When people see me up and about they think oh look she looks so great she's walking so well I can hardly tell she's missing her leg.  And I guess that's okay and I am grateful to be able to walk and get around but to tell you the truth as easy as it looks or as normal as I seem to everyone I still have more down days than good days.

I'm really not trying to complain because my cancer hasn't reappeared or spread as of now and I can walk and be a mother and a wife everything in life that is most important to me.  But I am still having constant chronic pain.  And because of that  coupled with my amputated leg things seem so much harder than they use to be.  I now feel so deeply for those people that are always unwell.  That have aching backs, degenerative and autoimmune diseases those that battle with depression and all various debilitating circumstances.

It is so easy to get down and watch everyone around living there life so easily able to care for there children and there home.  To run here and there and to enjoy various activities.  I think about how everyones life moves on and how the simplest of things have become a challenge for me.  I hate to feel this way and it's not that I would want anyone else to have these challenges.  It is just that I am so aware now of all the things I used to do without so much as having to think what I was doing.

So as of now I am better than I was 6 months ago and I hope to continue to get better but somedays are hard and some times when I look down and see that I have no leg I hurt inside and know that my life  won't ever be the same.  I realize that I will constantly be challenged but I'm doing my best and I know that that is enough.

So to everyone that wonders how I'm doing.  I'm OKAY.  I'm happy to be a mom and hope to one day be pain free.  So for now I'll keep trying because I know that is better than giving in to hopeless thoughts.  I have been blessed with a family and knowledge of an eternal happiness where I will be whole again and where I will be free of the difficulties that are a part of this earth so for that I am grateful.

And these are what keep me going and I hope they always know how much I love them even when I have bad days and can't do everything they would like me to do!  They are perfect to me!

 Life wouldn't be the same without this 2 year old
 My beautiful girl who never slows down.
 This boy is constantly aware of how I feel and always willing to help me!!
 My little miracle baby!

2 comments:

  1. Man!! I can only imagine what it's like to live with chronic pain - SO DIFFICULT! It's so true that we never know what we have until we don't have it anymore. I'll bet the pain often feels overwhelming amongst life's regular challenges and the challenges of having to use a prosthetic. What a humbling experience. Have you considered making use of a psychologist? Although it wouldn't cure your physical pain :), it would definitely help you cope. (I'm taking a break from my psych homework right now; can you tell?!) Is there hope that the pain will lessen at some point? Do all people with amputations experience this? You're amazing!!

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  2. I'm convinced "okay" is sometimes a great place to be.
    I always appreciate your honesty lyndsay.
    I'm hoping to see you this baseball season if Ty's playing again!

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