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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Going Home

Dallas took me in the wheelchair down to the truck.  I waited in the wheelchair while he went to get the truck.  I sat there thinking how differnent everything was now.  Just 8 days ago I had two legs and had walked into the hospital now I was leaving unable to walk the thought was overwhelming.  It was difficult to get into the truck Dallas had to help me.  Needing so much help made me feel so vulnerable.  I couldn't do simple things on my own.

I got home after a long drive with lots pain.  I took some pills for pain and then laid on the couch.  I was so tired I hadn't slept and hadn't been eating since being in the hospital.  Soon after I got home my mom brought the kids home and Kaylee came with her kids.  It was so good to see all the kids together just being themselves.  They all wanted to see my new leg except for my oldest son, Ty.  He said he didn't want to see.  It made me sad that he was uncomfortable with my leg but Dallas said he'd get used to it.

Being at home was hard.  There wasn't a nurse to bring me something extra when the pain was intolerable.  I couldn't just hop in the bath tub or have a shower.  I had to be careful when I was using my crutches so I didn't fall and open my incision.  I couldn't pick Miles up when he was crying unless he came to me and sat on my lap.  I just was overwhelmed with how hard everything was now.

I tried to get out of the house a bit but had to go in a wheelchair.  Getting used to this change was so hard.  Somedays I could hardly stand it.  I would see friends with their children just going about doing everything I had done before.  Fixing meals for them, carrying them, helping them with the bathroom, going swimming, putting them in and out of carseats.  Just simple things that I couldn't do and I would get upset and emotional.

I was in constant unbearable pain at home.  I laid rubbing my leg using heating pads anything but nothing relieved the pain.  The pain was not in my actual leg but in my missing foot.  I was having phantom pain. I went into the hospital emergency once or twice for pain and a couple weeks after leaving the hospital I couldn't stand the pain any longer. I was always hurting couldn't sleep or eat and was nauseous and throwing up.  I went back into the hospital for a few days and I started on different narcotics that numbed the pain somewhat.

I was having such a hard time and felt like I just wasn't getting better.  I hated having constant debilitating pain and wanted to just feel back to "normal".  Which still hasn't happened.  I moved forward as best I could but was needing lots of help.  Thank heavens I had my mom.  She took care of my kids, fed us, cleaned up did the laundry.  We wouldn't have been able to get through it without all the help.

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