Sunday night my sister and mom came over to my house. Kaylee was going to paint my toe nails on my two feet for the last time. I was sad. We watched TV and she painted my toes orange. I watched as she painted and thought how I would never have both sets of toe nails painted together again. I hurt inside because of such a simple thing. I didn't really say much that night.
Monday evening I went over to my mom and dad's so Kaylee could take some pictures of me with both me legs before I left that night for my amputation the next morning. I wanted pictures to remember but had been putting it off because I was dreading my surgery. I remember taking off my shoes in the field and feeling the stiff grass on my feet. Something I now don't feel as I have to walk with two shoes on in order for my prosthetic to be stable. I had a knot in my throat as I smiled in the pictures. I didn't want my leg to be gone.
Just before Dallas and I left for Calgary Monday night my Dad gave me a blessing. I could feel the power with which he spoke and the the tenderness of his love. I was so sad knowing how scared and hurt my family was. I had nothing to say. I couldn't think of anything that would ease the sadness we all felt. I walked out of the house after saying goodbye to the kids and hugging them. I knew that somehow I would be there mom when I came home. But I would be changed; different both physically, emotionally and mentally. I got in the vehicle and tears streamed down my cheeks as we drove away. I would come home unable to stand up on my feet. I was so scared. So sad. Just heartbroken really.
We got to Calgary around 10pm and I headed up to labor and delivery for my steroid injection. I had to worry about my unborn baby and coming out of a surgery without my leg. My nurse told me how sorry she was but didn't say much more.
Then we headed to the hotel. We got in bed and I remember rubbing my two feet in the sheets trying to remember all the feeling of having two feet. We set three alarms. I had to check in at the Foothills hospital at 5:30 am Tuesday May 22.
The alarm went off. I quietly went into the bathroom and ran the water in the bathtub. I sat in the tub staring at my two feet. I wanted to remember what my left foot looked like. It had a scar on the top that I had got in high school when Dallas hadn't held the boat still when I was getting in and it cut me. I didn't want to forget what it looked like. I cried as I looked at my feet and rubbed lotion on them and I sat in the bathroom looking down at my feet until Dallas called from the room and asked if I was coming out.
I got to the hospital and waited to be checked in. Then I went upstairs and was quickly taken to a
pre-op area with Dallas. They had me change into a gown and gave me slippers to wear. I asked them if I could keep the slippers off so I could see my feet. They said sure. I didn't want to talk to the nurse I was trying to keep my emotions in check and talking made that hard. I sat on the stretcher and stared at my feet. I was then taken to the surgical waiting room. They said I would have to go there alone but my nurse that had done my pre-op information told them I would be needing my husband with me and she insisted he be allowed to stay with me. I will forever be thankful for her sensitive care towards me.
Dallas and I sat be side each other and Dr. Puloski came and sat beside me. I don't remember much of what he said. I remember holding Dallas' hand and seeing tears in my surgeons eyes as he said how sorry he was but that he knew he was giving me the highest care he felt was needed for my case.
He left and then my surgical nurse came and explained a few more things with tears in her eyes and then the anaesthesiologist came and talked to me too. Then my nurse came back to take me to surgery. I stood and looked at Dallas and saw the tears spilling onto his cheeks and I hurt so much. My nurse told him they would take very good care of me. He said please be okay when you come back to me. I hoped I would.
He walked one way and I walked the other way. I don't know who was with me that morning, but I could feel someone helping me walk down that hallway. And I felt as though I was almost carried into the surgical suite and got up on the surgical table. The nurse then covered my legs with a white sheet and I began to cry and asked if she could lift the sheet up so I could look at me two feet together for the last time. She did and cried with me and then I laid down and my surgery started.
I prayed ALOT that morning. I prayed for strength to help me walk into my surgery. I prayed for help with the pain control. I prayed for Dallas and my family. I prayed I would be okay. And I know so, so many others were praying for me that morning too. And I believe that is why I was able to go into my amputation so easily. The faith of so many people carried me that day when I could not have done it on my own.
I realize there are no words I can say no emotions I can feel no things I can do that can make your heartache and trial any easier. Listening to you explain what somehow actually has to do, what they have to live, to get up in the morning like yourself and go to sleep that night changed forever. There are not very many people who will ever experience what you have gone through and you have handled it with class and with an unwavering strength from your core. You are amazing! Don't you ever forget it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Lyndsay. Beautifully said.
ReplyDeleteLyndsay you have a gift of writing. I love reading your posts. You give people strength when they read about you, I know you definitely do for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experience. You are amazing.
Thank you for sharing what is so deeply emotional and personal. I tried to read through the tears and picture the things you were describing. Being able to walk barefoot is a blessing most of us likely take for granted.
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