Difficult Decision

Dallas and I went to Calgary to the Tom Baker Cancer Center the end of April.  I was dreading this appointment.  I had been to the cancer centre before and it isn't a nice atmosphere.  You sit in a white, bright waiting room surrounded by people already diagnosed with cancer of those going to find out they have cancer.

As we walked around a corner to be seated in the waiting room we saw an older man standing on a scale, ( he was missing his leg above his knee).

I sat in the waiting room for a long time sick to my stomach waiting for my name to be called knowing the news I would be given would change my life.  Finally they called my name and we sat in a small room beside each other.

Dr. Puloski came in, sat down and said.  I've discussed your case with numerous specialist across Canada and we all came to the same decision.  In order for you to have a functional quality of life and best treat your exceptionally rare type of cancer you need to have an amputation to your leg.  Despite knowing in my heart all along that this would be the outcome tears filled my eyes and I didn't want to look up at Dr. Puloski or Dallas.  He continued to talk telling us radiating my foot would cause it to break down and become a foot I would never walk on and then they would try another surgery but said they would not be able to completely remove all the tissue with cancer cells.  He said I would be able to do everything I did before.  He said that the pain would be less with an amputation.  I think he said other things but I hurt so badly inside I could hardly listen to him talk.

I remember asking him if I had been his wife would he advise the same thing.  He looked at me and said yes.  He told me I would need to sign a consent form allowing for the surgery.  As soon as he said this I had a feeling that told me sign the paper.  But I wasn't ready, I was scared, I wanted to go home, I wanted to think about it, I wanted it to just all go away.

After Dr. Puloski spoke to us he had a radiation oncologist speak to me as well to reaffirm what he had told me.  I just kept hearing her say how sorry she was everything was happening while I was pregnant.

After the appointment as we were leaving the hospital I stopped in a bathroom and sat in a stall and cried.  I cried alone I just didn't want Dallas to see me so sad.

We drove straight home.  I didn't want to talk.  Family called as we drove home, but I wasn't ready to tell them and I wasn't ready to hear Dallas tell them.

We got home and picked up our kids at my mom and dad's and I sat at the island and told my mom and dad what Dr. Puloski had said.  My mom got tears in her eyes and my dad said are they sure and didn't say anything more.

I went home.  I wanted to be alone.  I wanted to feel like I did before cancer.  I remember telling my brother and sister on the phone that the doctors wanted me to have my leg amputated.

Everything was so unbearable.  My brother asked if I thought I could do this and I remember saying yes.  Even though what I really wanted was no cancer and to have both of my feet.

I was so sad, and scared.  I hated knowing my life was changing forever.  I would never be able to stand on my own two legs.