Going Home

Dallas took me in the wheelchair down to the truck.  I waited in the wheelchair while he went to get the truck.  I sat there thinking how differnent everything was now.  Just 8 days ago I had two legs and had walked into the hospital now I was leaving unable to walk the thought was overwhelming.  It was difficult to get into the truck Dallas had to help me.  Needing so much help made me feel so vulnerable.  I couldn't do simple things on my own.

I got home after a long drive with lots pain.  I took some pills for pain and then laid on the couch.  I was so tired I hadn't slept and hadn't been eating since being in the hospital.  Soon after I got home my mom brought the kids home and Kaylee came with her kids.  It was so good to see all the kids together just being themselves.  They all wanted to see my new leg except for my oldest son, Ty.  He said he didn't want to see.  It made me sad that he was uncomfortable with my leg but Dallas said he'd get used to it.

Being at home was hard.  There wasn't a nurse to bring me something extra when the pain was intolerable.  I couldn't just hop in the bath tub or have a shower.  I had to be careful when I was using my crutches so I didn't fall and open my incision.  I couldn't pick Miles up when he was crying unless he came to me and sat on my lap.  I just was overwhelmed with how hard everything was now.

I tried to get out of the house a bit but had to go in a wheelchair.  Getting used to this change was so hard.  Somedays I could hardly stand it.  I would see friends with their children just going about doing everything I had done before.  Fixing meals for them, carrying them, helping them with the bathroom, going swimming, putting them in and out of carseats.  Just simple things that I couldn't do and I would get upset and emotional.

I was in constant unbearable pain at home.  I laid rubbing my leg using heating pads anything but nothing relieved the pain.  The pain was not in my actual leg but in my missing foot.  I was having phantom pain. I went into the hospital emergency once or twice for pain and a couple weeks after leaving the hospital I couldn't stand the pain any longer. I was always hurting couldn't sleep or eat and was nauseous and throwing up.  I went back into the hospital for a few days and I started on different narcotics that numbed the pain somewhat.

I was having such a hard time and felt like I just wasn't getting better.  I hated having constant debilitating pain and wanted to just feel back to "normal".  Which still hasn't happened.  I moved forward as best I could but was needing lots of help.  Thank heavens I had my mom.  She took care of my kids, fed us, cleaned up did the laundry.  We wouldn't have been able to get through it without all the help.

Hospital Post Amputation

Because I did not have a general anaesthetic for the surgery I was in recovery and immediately awake and aware of the pain.  My first thought was I know my leg is gone and I don't have my foot, but my missing foot was hurting so very bad.  The pain was so unbearable and excruciating I just wanted to be put to sleep or pass out so I didn't have to feel it.  I was so anxious and unable to control my breathing and my emotions.  I was crying and asking for my nurse to get the pain to stop. I couldn't seem to get enough air as I started to hyperventilate.  I remember telling my nurse my foot was so so cold and begging her to put a warm blanket on it even though I knew the foot was gone I thought the blanket would help and it did.  I prayed and prayed for the pain to be controlled and finally the epidural started to work.  I was still in horrible pain, but I was able to bear it.  My leg was gone and all I could  think was that I would never have a leg again.  I was heartbroken.

After being in recovery for a couple hours I was finally taken to my hospital room.  As soon as I was in my room my Mom and Dallas were there.  I was so happy they were there even though I didn't want to open my eyes and see my leg.

Throughout my hospital stay I was anxious about my pregnancy.  There were times I couldn't feel him  move and I would be so scared he was not going to be okay and that they wouldn't hear his heartbeat.  I was trying to heal and grow a little baby.  I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I wanted my little baby to be okay I loved him and was sad he had to go through this with me.  He had a difficult journey here. I love this baby so much.

 I had the epidural in for 3 days and then they stopped it and tried to control my pain with oral medication.  As soon as the epidural started to wear off I was in agony.  I was in an extreme amount of pain and they decided to start the epidural again.  After 2 more days they stopped the epidural and I used a pain pump.  It seemed to work okay and I used it for a few days until I was finally only on oral medication.

On day 3 or 4 Dr. Puloski removed my cast and bandages.  I told him I still was not ready to look at my leg.  He asked me if I was sure and I assured him I didn't feel ready.  He removed the bandage and said it looked good and then it was wrapped again.  The next day when my nurse came in to clean my incision and wrap it I looked.  I was overwhelming to look down and see a new leg.  One that was missing a foot and an ankle.  It was my leg but it looked so foreign. I let the tears fall slowly down my cheeks.

I had lots of visitors in the 8 days I was in the hospital.  My mom stayed with me the first night and both her and Dallas stayed in Calgary with me for the first 3 days and then my dad came to visit and my mom went home with him to watch my children and bring them to visit. My brother and sister came as well as aunts, uncles, cousin and friends.  I kept my amputated leg covered by a blanket I was not ready for people to see my leg.

I was so happy when my children came.  As soon as they walked in the room they came to hug me and Miles just laid his little head on my chest and I held him for a half hour without him moving.  My heart was full.  I was sad I would not be able to carry this little boy for a long time.

It was so hard being in the hospital and not being able to take care of myself being in pain everyday.  I was so glad my mom was there to help me wash my hair, shower and get me out of the bed.  I remember how hard it was to get to the bathroom at first.  I used a walker and the few steps to the bathroom were unbearable.  I remember looking down and seeing a leg that did not touch the ground.  I  was sad.

I hate the hospital I can't sleep in them I was always getting poked and I was so emotional.

I was so ready to go home by 8 days but as I left the hospital I was so sad that I was leaving in a wheelchair.  I was leaving changed.  And I had so much pain.  My amputation was done now I had to learn to live differently.